[UH-60] Nighthawk Down

I'm pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.

What's the point of the Psychic Hotline if they won't tell me where my other shoe is?

Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.

No sane person argues with their GPS as much as I do.

I laugh at my own funny text before I send it because it's that damn funny.

How does Wile E. Coyote afford all those damn rockets?

"Sounds good" is probably one of the few expressions unchanged since caveman times.

I don't make up words, if I was any more serious about this you would be seriousified by my seriousifness and end up serioused.

I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial. Like a boss.

When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.

To do list: 1. Poop. 2. I can't do anything until I poop.

I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a video of me trying to run in flip flops.

"Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs

The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want him to be...

I wish someone would invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.

The only time my karate lessons have come in handy is when I need to kick a public restroom door open.