[ASSDR] Dr. Butthole's Angels

Excerpt from an article by The Scope, “The Life and Times of Dr. Butthole” dated July 5, YC94:

Sir Dr. Butthole III, Esq. (born Mainard Quintas Pickadilly, YC67 - ) was born on Eletta III to a family of migrant workers employed at a Federation Customs factory. After his family passed in a tragic gas explosion accident at the facility, he was sent to an orphanage in the southern jungle where he was forced to test starship-grade plasma blasters on the local wildlife. Unfortunately, a few days after his arrival, a volatile antimatter discharge destroyed the orphanage and he was left to fend for himself in the wilderness, where he survived on Fedo jerky, plasma-roasted snakes, and frozen dinners stolen from the military barracks in the western mountains. He was at last caught stealing dehydrated fish strips from a young capsuleer in training, Atticus Butthole II, on sabbatical from the Eletta VIII – Moon 19 - University of Caille station.

“The young lad looked distraught,” the capsuleer remembers. “I took pity on the poor boy and decided to enroll him at the university,” he says, referring to the University of Caille’s community outreach program for disadvantaged youths. “The boy was so happy, he even took up my family name,” the capsuleer babbles, breaking into tears.

Dr. Butthole’s tutors claimed he showed great promise in the medical, legal, and engineering fields, but in the final month before graduation, the student center decompressed, ejecting many of students into deep space. Dr. Butthole fortunately survived with minor injuries. An investigation into the incident cites a lapse in safety inspections and poor quality construction materials, combined with a freak mining laser misfire, as responsible for the tragedy. The doctor claims this was the final catalyst for his lifelong pursuit of industrial safety enforcement.

“It were just awful what happened to them poor industrial students,” said the doctor, looking longingly at the hand-operated mining laser he had built as his senior project. “I decided right then, my moneys will go to making sure all the capsuleer boys and girls workin’ with safe parts and stuff. I hopes I can be like an angel to all them careless folk.”

Dr. Butthole said he plans to one day open an industrial inspection agency with “proper permits” from CONCORD and the Gallente Federation.

Dr. Butthole claims he lives by one motto, “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”